Psychosuchronology 101

 You can tell an awful lot about someone just based on how they approach eating candy. I'm serious. There's actually an award-winning Harvard thesis written on this which refers to the study of candy eating strategy and Psychosuchronology. Just kidding. There isn't...yet.

For this theory I use the example of Starburst (original flavors, not that tropical poison garbage). Here's what I do:

1. Rank the flavors from best to worst according to your personal taste.
I have them as pink, red, yellow, and gross orange.

2. Which order would you eat them in if you had them all in a pile outside of the yellow sheathing?
I know I'm eating them all when I open a pack, so I start with the bad ones first. I eat in my reverse favorite order: orange, yellow, red, pink. I like to finish strong and not have the taste of orange plastic in my mouth when I sit down for breakfast.

Now it's much easier to eat Starburst leaving them in the sheathing because you won't have a huge mess of them all over the place. It also keeps them unexposed to poachers (more on that later).

3. How many Starburst would you remove from the package in order to follow your preferred eating order (they are normally arranged in a repeating pattern of red, orange, yellow, and pink in some order)?
I go ahead and take all four out if necessary and put the remaining three back in the package in the reverse order in which I plan to eat them. By my calculation, this causes minimal damage to the packaging and to repeat four times - there are 16 candies per package - takes a total of 20-30 seconds, or slightly longer if you're colorblind.

3. Now let's suppose with your crazy candy eating habits you happen to have a friend or loved one willing to endure your insanity. The only problem is that most people like Starburst, so now you've added an external factor to your methodical approach. What do you do?
First of all, don't ever let anyone throw a wrench into your system. There are a couple of ways to manage this type of situation that will leave you satisfied without costing you friendship or female companionship. If you're a chick, give the man the flavors he wants. Men care more.

a. Choose your friends wisely. I know when I meet people I always wonder if we could be eating candy together one day. In my case, I try to make friends with people who like orange Starburst since those are the ones I despise. I've found through extensive field work that most people like two flavors best. In that case, my ideal match is someone who likes orange and yellow. If it's someone really great, you can settle for one of your lower two and one of your upper two, but never the top choice, and they better be able to ride a unicycle or do magic tricks or something, because you'll need to be distracted after forking over your precious to that clown. Here's my friendship compability chart in order of descending compatibility.
1. orange and yellow, 2. orange and red, 3. yellow and red, 4. red and pink

If you like red and pink we're officially enemies. Change your tastes or I'll change them for you. Try those delicious tropical dingle-berries instead why don't you?

b. If you have to be friends with someone who likes your flavors, you can "stack the deck in your favor". When they're not looking, organize the package with the ones you want them to have in alternating order starting with them. You're being courteous by giving them the first choice, so if they say "ugh, I don't want that one", tell them to eat shit and die.

You can run these experiments on yourself and see how much of a weird freak you are. If you're weirder than me, you're fucked.